It’s been a wonderful couple of days off. Thanksgiving was almost like a movie script – a neighborhood football game in the morning, parades & football on television, and a simple, but excellent meal (if I don’t say so myself!), and playing “Hand and Foot” with family. On Friday, a parade, afternoon naps, Christmas decorating, playing Pinochle with friends…

I had intended to write a long post last week naming all the things that I’m thankful for. But with Advent season approaching, and a shortened work week last week, I didn’t get too it. And frankly, I’ve been feeling “angsty” (yes, I know, it’s not a word, but I like it anyway), about the blog, Facebook, Twitter, and the like.

Let’s face it, God has blessed me immensely. I have as good a family as one could hope for, I’m married to a beautiful woman – inside and out, my kids are healthy, happy kids, I have an amazing cadre of friends – both here and elsewhere, I lead a church where pastoring is enjoyable and engaging…. And as much joy and thankfulness I feel about all those things, I’m also acutely aware that not everyone has those same blessings in the same way. And so sometimes, when I talk about my life I feel like I’m bragging – or rubbing people’s face in it. And that’s the last thing I want to do.

And so, I sometimes get angsty about posting good things. And then I think, “who cares, be authentic,” but then I worry about my image… and I can just go round and round in my head – until I just want to quit – or only post about shallow stuff. “GO BRONCOS!”

Hmmm. Am I the only one? Does anyone else think about this kind of stuff? Recently, I’ve had desires to just close all my accounts and walk away – but I don’t think I can actually do that… Then, on other days I think, “forget it, I’ll be excited about what I’m excited about and if people don’t like it there are thousands of other blogs…”

And, btw, this guest post on Donald Miller’s blog really resonated with me – and seems to fit into this conversation somewhere….

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Last week, I was gone a lot. I was on a trip Sunday -Tuesday. I had a late meeting Wednesday, and on Friday we took our leadership team away for a 24-hour retreat at a camp about an hour north of Peoria. Finally, on Saturday I left the camp at 3:45 and turned the car toward home, with plans to spend the evening with my family.

Several years ago, an evening with the family was really no-big-deal. It was the same as any night, changing diapers, doing baths, all the physical work of parents with small children. I didn’t really “get anything” out of it.

But these days we don’t have babies anymore. They’re boys. They pretty much take their own baths/showers, they wipe their own butts, they help us make dinner, they set & clear the table, they tell jokes, and the anticipation of spending the evening with them, makes me excited.

Frequently, I tell Jennifer, that someday, when we’re old, sitting in our rocking chairs in the old folks’ home, these are the days that we’ll reminisce about.

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Before I went on vacation, I went on a retreat. I’ll be going on a quarterly, 2-day retreat for the next 2 years. I’ve talked to a few close friends about it, but I don’t have a ton to say here. Yet. But I will say this:

The emphases of this first retreat was rest and solitude. And I need more of both.

REST

Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s wisdom. Maybe it’s four boys. Maybe it’s an increased awareness of my body. Or maybe it’s something else that I’m not aware of, but these days I seem more aware than ever of my need for downtime – both sleep and relaxation. Up to this point in my life I’ve burned the candle at both ends – staying up late – usually watching mindless television, and getting up early. The retreat helped me to think about this a bit. I’ll be thinking about it more, but two things I’ve begun to change:

• “Lights out” before 11:00pm. I’m actually aiming – once the kids are back in school – for 10:oopm. But for now 11:00 will be a step in the right direction. I’m tired of feeling tired all the time. In order for this to happen, Jennifer and I have made some changes. First, we’ve scaled back our DISH subscription and eliminated a lot of channels. Secondly, we’re getting rid of Netflix, and going strictly to Redbox for rentals. This way, we choose when we want to watch movies and we don’t just watch stuff because it’s sitting around the house and needs watched so we can get it in the mail and get another one.
• Returning to the bike. I sleep better when I exercise. Now that baseball is over, there is more time on our family calendar – more time to exercise. So, I’m returning to better routines of eating and exercising.

SOLITUDE

• There’s a lot I need to think about regarding solitude, but one thing is clear to me right now. I have an unhealthy relationship with my iPhone. So, the first night back from my retreat I moved my phone to the other side of our bedroom, so it’s not the last thing I look at before I go to sleep and the first thing I look at upon waking. I need to come to terms with the fact that I’m not THAT important, there’s nothing that needs my immediate attention at 11pm. If there is an emergency hospital visit or something, someone will call, and I will hear my phone across the room and I’ll answer. I don’t need to check email and Facebook at 11pm. The world will continue to function just fine for 8-10 hours while I rest.
• I’m also going to try to re-institue something I used to do. When I meet someone for coffee or lunch – I’m going to try leaving my phone in my car. It’s so irritating when I’m talking to someone and they’re obsessed with their phone. And I feel like I’m that guy sometimes. So, in an attempt to give my full attention to the moment I’m in, I’m going to try to separate myself from my phone for the hour or two that I’m meeting with someone.

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To be honest, it wasn’t my idea to start our garden. It was Jennifer’s. Of course, once I begrudgingly got involved, I found out that I loved it, and then went over the top, adding space and complexity, as I’m wont to do.  Two summers ago, I was surprised by the spirituality of the garden. I’ve commented before that there is something deeply spiritual about walking across my yard, scissors in hand, to harvest food that will be consumed directly.

After reading authors like Michael Pollan and Barbara Kingsolver over the past couple of years, Jennifer and I decided that it’s important that we teach our kids where food comes from – namely NOT the supermarket. And so when we serve meat, we regularly explain, “this is the butt of a pig,” (which they, being boys, find hilarious) or, “this is ground up cow.” But as Christian parents we not only want them to understand that food comes from nature, but that nature is given to us by God.

So especially in the summertime, where at most meals we’re eating something from the garden (last night: squash, jalepenos, pickles, tomatoes, cucumbers), we often pray something like this: “Dear Father, thank you for rain, that makes the green beans grow. Thank you for the soil, where our potatoes are hiding until the fall and gives nourishment to all the fruits and vegetables. Thank you for the sun that turns the tomatoes red. Amen.”

Last week sometime, we were trying out a new recipe for cold green beans (we’re going to have get really creative, because we have lots of ‘em!) and our oldest son volunteered to give thanks for the meal. And he thanked God for rain and sun.

There are a lot of days (most?) where you don’t feel like you’re doing anything good as a parent. But in that moment, there was satisfaction; he’s starting to get it.

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• Friday – finished trimming the Ash tree. To be technical: Friday – watched my friend finish trimming the Ash tree behind my house. I cleaned up the branches once they fell.
• Friday night, two baseball games, 6pm & 8pm, two different towns. Two wins.
• Saturday – garden work in the morning – with all this rain, the garden was terribly weedy – and yet it’s been too muddy to get in and get work done. We harvested our first three sweet banana peppers. We’re on the verge of a green bean/tomato explosion!
• Saturday afternoon – family birthday party.
• Saturday night – helped cater a party for my friend who owns a restaurant and does some catering.
• Sunday – sunday morning was crazy! I grabbed the wrong keys, so it took some doing to finally break-in to my office. The band at church went all bluegrass on us, and it was awesome. Visiting missionary-speaker, Henry Lowman, was excellent. Ran a meeting during 2nd service in my office with small group leaders. Baby dedication after church – which was good – and chaotic with all the kids in the room – but good.
• Sunday afternoon – cookout with friends following baby dedication, last t-ball game of the year (it’s a mercifully short season for t-ball!), then had another cookout last night with some new friends/old friends that was a lot of fun.
• In short, left home at 6:15am Sunday morning, stopped in for about an hour to get Jaxon dressed for t-ball, then got home around 10pm.

Today I will need copious amounts of coffee.

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Monday morning finds me tired and achy for all the right reasons!

• Friday morning I did a 25-mile ride before breakfast! It was beautiful & cool and the roads were mostly empty. I tend to ride a little slower by myself than I do when with others, but that’s okay. My average was still up over 15 mph. For the first half of the ride I listened to a podcast. For the last half, I just lost myself in my thoughts and the sounds of morning in the country.
• A friend came over and helped me clear branches. We had several branches of the huge Ash tree behind our house that hung out over our roof. My friend climbed about 70′ to de-limb the tree while my dad and I worked on the ground cleaning up everything that came down. Then we cut down a tree that was crowding in our deck and cleaned it up.
• Then – still Friday – I left home to run a wedding rehearsal.
• Saturday – lazy morning – lots a soreness, followed by a wedding that I performed for two wonderful people.
• I’m giving the reception it’s own bullet point. It was outdoors, under a tent, on the family’s 55-acre property. It was beautiful – and the food was fantastic!! And to top it off, we sat at a table of endlessly entertaining people. It couldn’t have been a more pleasant afternoon!
• Since my mother-in-law was watching the kids, Jennifer and I decided to make the most of the opportunity, and we went to see Super-8. I liked it, Jen not-as-much.
• Father’s Day. I got to ride in the same vehicle to church as my family for the first time since we’ve moved into Arcadia. It was nice. We spend the day at my parents – swimming, playing pool volleyball, shooting model rockets and playing with my parents’ new dog.

A full, satisfying weekend.

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A friend came over on Friday to help me with clearing some branches. It required my friend to set up some ropes, then haul himself up about 60 ft into the giant American ash tree behind the house and then carefully cut the branches that were leaning over the house. I felt pretty dumb, because I know almost nothing about knot-tying and rope climbing, and I’m a little afraid of heights. But as he was preparing his rope, I just kept looking for opportunities to get the next tool, move ropes out of the way, carry tools or help in any way that I could.

It made me think about how my dad raised me. My dad is a super-hard worker. He built was always building something – and as boys we were always expected to help. And so one of the things we were taught growing up is that if you’re helping someone on a job, you try your best to anticipate what the other person is going to need, and you have it ready for them.

I think my dad learned this as a teenager when he worked as a laborer for his step-dad who was a brick layer – and as a laborer, that’s your whole job – have things in place, so the guy who knows what he’s doing can keep working.

So, on Father’s day this year – that’s my salute to my dad. I get my work ethic from him, and I deeply appreciate it.

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Here’s a good rainy/melancholy day post that’s been sitting in my queu for a little while…

My life in 2001 (10 years ago) – We had one baby. We had extensively remodeled a small house that had a small yard (20 minutes to mow, max). I was a high school youth pastor in a church that gave me a lot of freedom to experiment. We were in a small group. The people that we were in small group with were the other adult leaders in the youth ministry. We hung out all the time – probably 3-4 times a week, minimum.

Fast forward 10 years…Today, I have four boys. They’re not even toddlers anymore. They’re boys. I need to talk to them, discipline them, make sure they practice their instruments, toss a ball with them, cook dinner for them, etc. This week I will coach 1 baseball game, attend 2 where I keep the book, attend 1 where I can just watch, and I’ll miss one due to a wedding rehearsal. I have a house that is large enough that Jennifer and I can’t see ourselves ever living in anything bigger – even if we had the means. I have an enormous yard. I have a garden and landscaping. There are weeds to pull and mulch to put down. I’m the pastor of a small but growing church. I have four staff that I need to lead, in addition to the other leaders in our church who look to me for vision and support. I’m currently in the smallest “small group” I’ve ever been in, but it feels like as much as I can handle right now. And that’s only one of several groups that I’m in where we are reading a book and discussing.

Mostly I like all my responsibilities. I like being a grown up. I feel privileged and humbled that I’m entrusted with the things that I am. I wouldn’t want to go back to being a youth pastor, working for someone else. I wouldn’t give up the joy, laughter and fulfillment that comes with parenting. But there are moments where I miss hanging out with my closest friends 3 or 4 nights a week. I miss just getting together, playing cards and laughing. I miss sleeping in on Saturday mornings – especially when it’s raining and the windows are open. I miss not having to make hard decisions. I miss not having to have hard conversations. And I miss not being the “go-to guy.” I miss the days where I didn’t feel exhausted almost all the time – where I could stay up until 2am and it wasn’t a big deal, because I could just sleep in or take a nap the next day.

I don’t have any conclusions here, or any spiritual insights – it’s just the reality of getting older, of becoming an adult – which most of the time is pretty cool, but sometimes just feels like a lot to handle…

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I mentally geared myself up for what I was expecting to be a tough meeting first thing this morning, but it was cancelled. Since I have a couple minutes, here’s some stuff on my mind.

• The garden is starting to come to life. I’ve got my first asparagus sprouts pushing through the soil, blue potatoes seem to be going gangbusters and some of my tomatoes (the Romas in particular) seem to be growing so fast that you could almost watch them grow. That late frost last week hit some of our green beens, the watermelon and cantaloupe, but it’s early enough in the season that we can just replant.
• This weekend was pretty slow in the Dean household – in a good, much-needed way.
• Final SNL of the year. “What’s my Name – Celebrity Edition” was hilarious. As was Seth Myers heading off to vacation with Stefan. I don’t get Lady Gaga.
• Saturday morning I made breakfast burritos for everyone then sat on the deck in my pajama pants and did the crossword while I drank coffee. Simple pleasures!
• Saturday was Opening Day at the Kickapoo ballpark. Three boys in baseball this year!
• We went to the Chiefs Game Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day for it. As the boys get older, it’s more and more fun to take them to baseball games.
• Beginning tonight, we’ll have baseball games 5 nights a week through the rest of May, all of June and into July. I hope we have friends still when we resurface.

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Sunday was a gardening day for the Deans.

While Jennifer mowed, I divided and planted sedum, day lilies & hostas in our flower gardens. I planted some hostas that were given to me. I tore up an ugly flower bed and put in a small blue juniper as the first stage of a redesign. Jennifer and I cut back the Black-Eyed Susans. I lightly trimmed our dense yews, purple redbud, mugo pines and spirea.

In the garden I planted a few herbs (2 sweet basil, 1 pepper basil, chives, rosemary), weeded around the edges and with the help of my two youngest sons, planted a flat of marigolds around the edges of the garden to keep the bunnies away.

The truth is that I can be really driven working in the yard, moving from one job to the next. I can always find something else to do – more weeds to pull, more dirt to move, more bushes and trees to trim. I love when my hands are caked with dirt. I love the satisfaction of things looking pretty.

But, I’m learning, as I grow older to pause. To stop for a couple minutes and just sit in the yard. To watch the cardinals building a nest in our Cedar tree. To smell the scent of the freshly cut lawn, to smell the pollen, thick in the air. To appreciate the temperature, humidity, & sunshine. To feel the ache in my back and legs from being hunched over or straining with the shovel as it strains to get through all the clay in my yard.

And in those pauses I’m learning to find contentment. And I’m learning to find peace. And I’m learning to say “thank you.”

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