My experience is that friendship between two people of opposite gender is possible. “Friendship” is just a word, anyway. We use it to describe a relationship that involves a certain level of committment, trust, and connection. I don’t think that sex interferes with friendship, unless the friendship is simply a smokescreen used to get sex from somebody.

When you insert marriage into the picture, a measure of wisdom is needed in order to protect the marriage. I have MY friends, Elise has HER friends, and we have OUR friends, if that makes sense. MY friends are all male, as far as I can think of. HER friends are all female, more or less. OUR friends are a mix of both. Elise and I both are very comfortable and close to both men and women in that group. I would have no problem with Elise meeting my friend David for coffee…unless I was free and just not invited, in which case I would feel left out:)

I’m not willing to put up a hedge of not befriending women just because something COULD happen. That’s ruling out a lot of potential friends. But I won’t develop a close friendship with another woman unless she falls into the category of OUR friends, and is equally good friends with Elise.

But most importantly, I think this subject challenges how much we really buy the idea that we are living the Kingdom of God now and that redemption is already happening and should be reflected in the relationships within the Church. Before we are men or women, before we are married or single, before we are democratic or republican, we are human. We are children of God and organically wired for meaningful relationship. Some of the most significant relationships in my life are with married men – some of them in their sixties and up. The challenge is to keep our minds and hearts pure and desiring holiness (really, to fear the Lord) to a level that honors marriage and chastity (heart, mind and body) and protects us all from the damaging effects of sin.

So in conclusion, I love “When Harry Met Sally” but am not sure I agree with its worldview
And do we really mean it when we say that we are a redeemed community living out the Kingdom principles on earth?

so, from a married dude’s perspective, it boils down to this for me; “am i willing to risk it?”

that’s sort of extreme, but i think it’s useful to take things to their logical extreme when making a decision. “could something damaging come from talking to the new girl at the office?” not “will something” but “could something?” is there a possibility? yeah, if you adhere to the “lusting in your heart is sin just as touching another person you’re not married to” school of thought.

so why risk it? just put this little hedge up and keep a reasonable distance from the opposite gender. my marriage is more important than going out to drinks after work with the group if “she” is going to be there. there’s no female worth the risk.

*just to be clear…there’s no “she” at work, so don’t worry sarah. that’s just an example.

A friend of mine is married and has maintained a close relationship with a woman who he refers to as his “best friend”. I’ve always felt that it must create some tension with his wife. I don’t think there are too many married people who would feel OK with being the “second best friend” to their spouse.

Before I was married I did have 2 close friends who were women. One of them I still talk to once in a very blue moon when we run into each other. I have no idea where the other one is. She got married after I did and we are no longer friends. Since that time, I have not developed any friendships with women other than my wife that I would call close. I know my wife’s friends, we talk, I’m polite, they’re nice. But we are friends because of my wife and not apart from my wife. I work with women in the church and we have good relationships, but I would not say that we are friends in the sense that we are talking about it here.

I would push us not to write off Wilde as a by-product of another era. I think he may hit on something that transcends time. Those of you who conclude that the best marriages end up starting with friendships actually prove the point I was making. You could make the case that the friendship continued to progress because the door was open for something more than friendship. You can’t argue that the door wasn’t open because when the friends get married it is proof that it was. What I’m saying is – once that door is closed, the friendship dies!

I am really enjoying others comments on this. Especially around one of my favorite films…

Doesn’t When Harry Met Sally (and the Chapmans, as well), affirm Wilde’s quotation. Eric confirmed what I think we all assumed – that he’s sleeping with his best friend. I’m sure Wilde would have just nodded and said, “exactly my point.”

Sarah – agreed – especially your last line. In my feminist heart, I agree with you, that we can transcend.

As I read this quote yesterday, and then followed all the comments last night, one of the things I wondered is if the fact that I’ve been married almost 14 years has changed my perspective. I think, when I was younger, I would have tended to agree more w/ Wilde. But now, as a happily married man, I think friendships with women don’t have the same tensions.